Raising boys to be great husbands: A Christian perspective for fathers.
One of the greatest challenges for a father is to prepare his son to be a great husband.
We are born, we live, and we die. If we leave children behind, we have mated, and if we have mated well we have married well.
The role of the good father is to get his son from birth to marriage. Not any marriage, but a very good marriage. Such is the universal desire of all good fathers across the globe, no matter their race, color, culture, or religion. All good men desire this good for their sons .... and for their daughters.
The most significant influence on his son is the degree of unity between his wife and him. To live in a peaceful home imbued with such unity forms the son’s expectation of the same for himself in his future marriage.
With unity and affection between his parents, the father’s induction of his male son into male sexuality is relatively easy. In the absence of this unity, it is proportionately difficult, because the relational core of the sexual union is dysfunctional.
“The repeated and prolonged embrace of the newborn by his father could not be simpler to do and yet delivers massive lifelong benefits for child, father, and mother.”
The recent neuropsychological development of the theory and practice of skin-to-skin bonding by the father to his infant child is one of the greatest culture-changing developments in the social sciences. The repeated and prolonged embrace of the newborn by his father could not be simpler to do and yet delivers massive lifelong benefits for child, father, and mother. All three (father, son and mother) are neurologically, endocrinologically, and emotionally enhanced. The love involved in the embrace (even and especially if not emotionally felt by the father) is powerful in its bonding consequences. On this foundation much can be solidly built by the father.
“The wise father invests a lot of time in playing with his children […] tennis or golf, hiking, cycling, fishing, playing music together, or chess or card games.”
The more a father plays with his children the more he extends the bonding and molds them in his image. Play is powerful--- and simple. The wise father invests a lot of time in playing with his children so that later he and his child reaps the compounding interest of easily transferred family norms, values and habits, especially in matters sexual. And play can be the medium of continued bonds throughout life. Lots of ways of playing fit this bill: tennis or golf, hiking, cycling, fishing, playing music together, or chess or card games.
A family culture of play led by father can yield powerful results in the sexual domain. For instance, the parent’s bedroom is “sacred space”, off-limits to the children unless invited in by the parents. Similarly the boys’ bedroom and the girls’ bedroom: off limits and entry only by invitation. Modesty in dress, especially during the summer, is a family norm. Pulling this off without seeming strange is a skill parents develop, likely under the umbrella of cultivating elegance appropriate to the occasion and setting. All these raise the bar on sexual behaviors and habits long before explicit instruction.
“Because on all matters of sexual education the dictum “Better a year early than a day late” the father prepares his young son (as early as six) for his first encounter with pornography and how to respond”.
Also, the husband and wife, in early childhood years cultivate friendships with families who have children of ages and values similar to theirs, so that by their teen years their children’s peer group will be a morally well-formed one that is awarded with increased freedoms from their parents as they demonstrate their capacity to exercise good judgement.
Wise parents exude high expectations for their children in many areas, though the pace of achievement is modulated by each child’s capacity, except in the all-or nothing area of truth-telling and in the ‘existence-creating’ realm of the sexual.
Because on all matters of sexual education the dictum “Better a year early than a day late” the father prepares his young son (as early as six) for his first encounter with pornography and how to respond (“Come to Dad”). Around age nine he introduces his son to the basic “facts of life” and answers any question these provoke, making it clear his son that he may come and inquire on this subject and he will always inform him fully and well because it is so important and because many upset their lives by getting it wrong.
While preparing his son for the changes he will experience in the onset of puberty, Dad lays out his explicit sexual expectation for his son: that he eventually marries a great woman and arrives at the altar a virgin for her sake (as she for his also) and that he develop the capacities and bravery necessary to pull this off. Certain facts lay the foundation: sexual intercourse begets children; every child deserves and has the right to the marriage of his father and mother; the mother has the right to intense support during and immediately after pregnancy. These become the firm basis for all the norms and behaviors and competencies the teenage son must acquire if he is to win a great woman capable of being a great companion for life and a great mother for their children.
“Assuming all this takes root, the boy’s motivation to study and acquire serious market-based skills (from academic research scientist to plumber, electrician, or entrepreneur) are more likely to fall into place”.
The wise father will also reveal enough of his ordinary struggles to stay chaste in fidelity to his son’s mother by forming clear intentions, building safeguards, and by praying. He will have broached the topic of masturbation early so that the boy sees sexual desires as opportunities for growing in sexual prowess through sexual self-control, forming now those capacities that lead to future prowess in the marriage bed. In pointing his son towards chastity and purity of heart he instructs him in the many payoffs for the virgin who marries a virgin, not least being that those who have the most frequent and enjoyable sexual relations are virgins when they marry and worship God weekly! Because, strangely, he will not hear this in school, university or the media, the father makes sure to inform of the research sources.
To develop his own capacities to father well, he not only studies but also consults with fathers who have guided their boys well, so that he too can learn from them how to help his son become the man a good and beautiful woman will be attracted to when their paths cross.
Assuming all this takes root, the boy’s motivation to study and acquire serious market-based skills (from academic research scientist to plumber, electrician, or entrepreneur) are more likely to fall into place because the great prize of the great woman beckons, even if she only exists in his imagination for the time being. To help spur his studies and work father will demonstrate to him how all savvy women, automatically and early on, evaluate the income potential of the man they might choose, knowing she and her children will need a man who is a good provider.
Conversations along these lines demand a trust and confidence between father and son that is only possible if father has invested in the relationship way back in childhood.
Competent masculinity that forms a man capable of serving the woman of his desires and the children they beget - very rarely happens without a great investment by a father in his son. All women have a natural stake in such men, both father and son. They make happy life-long marriages and strong families possible.
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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