What drives a man to walk the highways and streets spreading the word about male suicide?
Picture: Dan Perrins on the road with Project Jeb. (Picture courtesy of Wayne Simpson Photography).
The following is an edited version of a letter sent to a local politician by Daniel Perrins.
”Honourable Member Shaw,
The cart's weight, when you saw me at the festival, was about 200 pounds. Completely empty it takes three people to lift it into the back of a pick-up truck. But I haul it by myself, for hundreds of miles at a time, up and down large hills, through inclement weather. I haul it along with the emotional weight of the mothers and daughters who buried sons and fathers to suicide.
“Terrible struggles to ponder, nightmares to remember. Certain situations will trip me remembering that phrase ‘poor widdle baby needs to see a doctor’.”
I ponder every year if this is the year I am ready to tell my story. Perhaps now it is, Honourable Member Shaw.
It would probably help me move past some anger issues I have with my family, but I keep struggling with how it would play out for my mother and little brother.
Terrible struggles to ponder, nightmares to remember. Certain situations will trip me remembering that phrase 'poor widdle baby needs to see a doctor'.
Picture: A note written to Dan Perrins
I still am not sure how to tell my story, but going through it all just kills me emotionally.
You asked if I recalled things going back about ten years, I try not to remember those years. I had just been diagnosed with PTSD by Dr K, fairly fresh out of spending two weeks at the city psychiatric hospital. And then seeing Dr. J.
Without going into too great detail, my mother used to taunt me with phrases like "poor widdle baby needs to see a doctor."
My brother Anthony killed himself on Mothers Day weekend in 1982. I was at the same hospital about 20 years later for suicide as well, same time frame, about Mothers Day.
Something I struggle with when I do the walks is facing mothers who lost a son, telling me how much that son was loved. They put forth effort to prevent this nightmarish tragedy from happening to another family / community. I put forth monumental efforts to prevent it from affecting another family / community.
The only visit I received from my mother, while I was at the psychiatric hospital, was her asking how I was going to pay the rent I owed her.
The doctors at the psychiatric hospital were shocked, to say the least, about a mother only visiting her son once. Visited only once, and then the topic of discussion was to ask for rent money. Only once, and she had already buried her first born to suicide.
Again remembering back, I along with them, couldn't help but wonder if that played a contributing factor in Anthony's suicide.
A couple of other things I remember and worked very hard with Dr J on was to forget how my mother had threatened to file a false police report alleging that Anthony's last girlfriend was going to bring me illegal drugs if she visited me at the place my mother rented to me.
Picture: Dan and Charger on the road. (Picture courtesy of Wayne Simpson Photography)
I still have a copy of the conversation. I still find it incredible that it happened.
What I find amazing too is that none of my family has joined me for a walk, even though we have kin in the ground due to suicide here in my town.
When Charger and I walked all the way to Ottawa back about six years ago, someone I hoped better from decided it was better to get drunk at a friend’s party rather than stay sober and give Charger, my dog, a ride back from Ottawa.
“Poor widdle baby needs to see a doctor”.
Paramedics taking me away in the ambulance. My mother screaming down to my rented suite: “Daniel get up here - the police and ambulance are here for you." Didn’t bother to check up on her almost-dead son. Shocking and shameful to say the least. Some might call it depraved indifference.
As I understand it, it was an ex-girlfriend who called 911 to get me to the hospital. I remember the heart monitors, the emergency room, I don't remember the ambulance ride though. I was at that point fading in and out of consciousness.
Picture: The Project Jeb sticker
Again it's a huge struggle to hide when those mothers and family members make the effort to come out and show verbal support for #ProjectJeb and they take a few stickers. We chat. I let them know about the numbers at play.
When they ask, "What drives you to do these walks spanning hundreds of miles?'
I simply reply “It's been an interesting life”.
I am not sure how those hundreds of mothers and family members would take me telling them all the particulars that went into producing a man who at 52 years old hauls a 300 pound cart (fully loaded weight, when traveling far outside of inner city areas) around to raise awareness about something that caused them to lose a son.
“1/ ‘Toxic masculinity’ is toxic terminology.
2/ Encourage your sons to talk more, and yourself to listen more.
3/ Therapy should combine doing with talking.
4/ A substance is not a solution”
Anyways Honourable Member Shaw, that was then this is now, and our town just suffered another male suicide recently.
Those stickers have the national suicide hotline on them. They are lifesaving lottery tickets which work well and were well received at this year’s festival.
I was pleasantly surprised to run into more than one festival visitor who interacted with Charger and I on previous walks. I did a short video encouraging Project Jeb followers to come on down to our town's local street festival and it appears to have worked. Many of them are by now familiar with the four pillars of Project Jeb:
1/ ‘Toxic masculinity’ is toxic terminology. Toxic behaviour is the correct term.
2/ Encourage your sons to talk more, and yourself to listen more
3/ Therapy should combine doing with talking.
4/ A substance is not a solution.
I take pride in my civic duty, it affects many lives. I just wish my immediate family would lend a hand. Imagine the lives that could possibly be saved with all their contacts.
Anyways Honourable Member Shaw, I must prepare for the road, prepare to face friends and family of those who lost a brother, a son, a father, husband, uncle, cousin, to suicide.”
[Editors note: This story is told to explain the deeply personal and relational background to suicide - there is no intention to blame or caricature any person in any simplistic way. Equally there is a need to talk about the personal impact that people have on each other in families and in other social groups.]
If you have been impacted by the suicide of someone close to you, or thoughts of suicide, phone Samaritans on 116 123 (UK & Ireland), who are open 24 hours per day, every day of the year. In Canada phone 1-833-456-4566.
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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Dan Perrins
Ordinary man driven to delivering one-man voluntary community health promotion by extraordinary circumstances. I run #ProjectJeb throughout Southern Ontario, Canada, hoping to improve men’s mental health by spreading the Four Pillars of Jeb. #MenMatter no more or less than #WomenMatter. Be a Jeb-i warrior - be a force for good.