The season of goodwill to all men, even separated fathers, if they are lucky.
One of the iconic images of Christmas is the family sitting around the tree opening presents. Although images of this kind are commonplace at this time of year, for some people it serves as a cruel reminder of what they are missing out on. A large number of such people are fathers who won’t see their children at Christmas due to family separation and child custody issues.
In a survey of over 1,000 divorced parents, fathers went on average over three years without spending Christmas day with their children, and travelled on average 392 miles to see their children at Christmas. Another survey of 402 parents by Families Need Fathers (FNF) found that about half the children of separated families only saw one parent at Christmas. In many cases court orders for contact with the child were ignored. For those who didn’t see their children, around three quarters didn’t get a card, gift or phone call from the child. Many respondents said that parental alienation was an issue.
The mental health impact on fathers who are unable to see their children at Christmas must be enormous, inducing in some a state of grief. However in general, suicides don’t increase over Christmas, and for separated dads Christmas time is when the family courts are shut, which temporarily reduces a major source of stress in their lives.
Very little research has been done on the impact of separated dads, especially over Christmas time. The lack of interest and funding is perhaps due to the gender empathy gap, where problems facing men aren’t noticed as much as problems facing women. In fact sympathy is sometimes actively discouraged, as shown by this workshop which shockingly claims that “Father’s rights groups… are interested only in reducing their financial obligation to their children [and] Are interested only in extending or regaining power and authority over ex-partners and children” (p.47). Little wonder then that fathers don’t receive the support that they need, and are left at risk of mental health problems, especially at key family occasions such as Christmas.
What can fathers do?
Although Christmas can be a very challenging time to be a father without his children, there are several things you can do, including:
Don’t give up. The new year is around the corner, and things might change for the better, especially if you set out a few achievable goals for yourself. Stay healthy for your children so you can be there for them.
Talk to someone about how you feel and what you want to do about your situation. Families Need Fathers have helplines to offer practical advice and emotional support . Other helpline numbers are listed below.
Realise that you are not alone. There are many fathers in exactly the same situation as you are, and despite the efforts from some quarters, sympathy for your situation is increasing, even amongst the judiciary. No doubt one day common sense will prevail and fathers in the UK will no longer be treated in a way that causes such deep distress.
For further help over the Christmas period:
If you are a father experiencing a stressful time post-separation, you can call the Families Need Fathers helpline 0300 0330 363 (9am – 10pm Monday to Friday, 10am – 3pm at weekends).
If you are a man experiencing domestic abuse, you can call the Mankind Initiative helpline weekdays 10am to 4pm on 01823 334244
If you have been affected by false allegations of sexual abuse then contact The Defendant helpline, 0300 124 5098, which is open Mon to Fri 6-10pm. For general information email info@thedefendant.org.uk Or visit the website https://thedefendant.org.uk/
CALM is open 5pm – midnight (365 days), phone 0800 58 58 58 or webchat https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/
Samaritans are one of the few helplines that is open right through the holiday period (open 24/7, 365 days) Tel. 116 123 (UK & Ireland)
This is an edited version of an article that was first published on the Male Psychology Network website in 2019
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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John Barry
Dr John Barry is a chartered psychologist, researcher, clinical hypnotherapist and co-founder of the Male Psychology Network, BPS Male Psychology Section, and The Centre for Male Psychology (CMP). Also co-editor of the Palgrave Handbook of Male Psychology & Mental Health, co-author of the textbook Perspectives in Male Psychology: An Introduction (Wiley), and presenter on Centre for Male Psychology training courses.