‘A Comprehensive Model of Human Courtship Series’: Step One - The “Aphrodite” and “Hermes” Instincts
This is the second in a series of articles by Dr Dobransky covering the phases of Sexual, Emotional, and Intellectual Attraction. The first article in the series can be found here.
Happy Valentine’s Day. On this day I think it’s appropriate to detail out for you what amounts to the very first step of human courtship, placing the principles in easy form for anyone to see happening all around them, live, in person.
For the past 25 years, I’ve worked on a detailed and coherent human courtship model based on theory and research.
In our last article, I described to you how the painting, The Judgment of Paris by Wtewael in the National Gallery in London, shows us vividly that there are three major steps of the first phase of courtship, or Sexual Attraction.
Using the joining points of Jungian Psychology and Evolutionary Psychology to find there are in fact, biologically determined instincts at work in romance,the Greek Pantheon - I am certain -offers us a rich nomenclature to use, and is highly suggestive in their phenomenological observations that feminine instincts also exist which directly correlate to the masculine instincts.
“Conrad Lorenz’s ducklings offer us the concept of imprinting now well known to operate in adult romantic attachments… these instincts are none other than masculine and feminine instincts being “turned on” and “imprinted” on the members of the budding couple.”
The way they do is through the lineage of the gods and goddesses, wherever there is a familial relationship between husband and wife gods or brother and sister gods.
At these early steps of love, Conrad Lorenz’s ducklings offer us the concept of imprinting now well known to operate in adult romantic attachments—that there need to be the right conditions in the environment, the right timing in the psychological development of love between partners—“instincts” being “turned on” in the right way, at the right time, in the right environment, and via the right social and romantic actions, differentiated by biological sex.
This is to say these instincts are none other than masculine and feminine instincts being “turned on” and “imprinted” on the members of the budding couple.
In the story of The Judgment of Paris, we find that the most prized gift offered by the goddesses Aphrodite, Hera and Athena was the beauty of Helen of Troy offered by Aphrodite. The contest was won, and the “face that launched a thousand ships” became known throughout the world.
However, what that says to us from a scientific and statistical perspective is that of three main instinctual “gifts of imprinting potential” that women “offer” men in the Valentine’s courtship dance, physical beauty is the number one attention-grabber for men.
Every consumer advertiser already knows that; for when corporate profits are at stake, people don’t tend to debate any longer whether masculine and feminine instincts exist.
For our purposes, we also need to see through what could be superficially misconstrued as leering, gawking, brutish male attention to women when we first meet in looking for dates.
Image: Botticelli’s ‘Birth of Venus’.
Outer physical, facial and bodily “beauty” is not merely the stuff of advertisement. It is also well-known to be a signifier of facial and bodily symmetry, which is then a signifier of the durable, physical health that implies genetic robustness:
What the goddess Aphrodite, goddess of feminine beauty and erotic love, offered Paris, the most attractive, rich, educated, accomplished young bachelor in the ancient world, was the signifier of healthy offspring in the mating dance.
When women dress well in “out” clothing, wear cosmetics, enjoy dancing with each other in the vicinity of potential suitors, and display any of the many “attraction signals” , they are using what I term, the “Aphrodite Instinct.”
It is ultimately a display of physical health and robust genes that attracts numerous potential suitors, and it can be actually learned with social practice to bring out and express the instinct, perhaps starting with the natural enjoyment of music and dance.
This mandatory Darwinian requirement for any mating strategy then becomes our very first step of human courtship, all beginning with a beautiful painting in the National Gallery.
Whatever one’s orientation is, there can be no passion between them without some polarity in behavior that attracts two people and gives rise to passion, and in this very first “meet-cute” between two people, one of them notices the physical attractiveness of the other, then approaches and starts the conversation.
“Men naturally have “approach anxiety” in cold conversation with women they meet, perhaps thought by the evolutionists to have an origin in the likely combat that could arise in the dominance hierarchies and mating of all primates.”
Here is where in most cases, the male then completes Step One of human courtship, with what I call the Hermes Instinct.
Hermes was the god of communication, humor and trickery, the “messenger god” whose natural talents (or “superpowers”) were the most desirable to convey messages of love and curiosity appropriate for not only the ancients, but for today’s revelers on Valentine’s Day.
Men naturally have “approach anxiety” in cold conversation with women they meet, perhaps thought by the evolutionists to have an origin in the likely combat that could arise in the dominance hierarchies and mating of all primates.
However, men cultivating humor in their communication, such as by taking a comedy improvisation acting course, stand up comedy open mics and Toastmasters International clubs can all help them overcome this fear with the humorous “excuse” to entertain women they meet.
Some research suggests that males are “visual” and that testosterone amplifies aspects of this nature in them when it comes to sexual stimuli . This piece of data is in line with our theory that the Aphrodite Instinct is a physical, visual display that male suitors “see.”
However, while women may certainly appreciate a physically attractive man, everyone knows that is not enough.
What if he is a rude man, a bad man, a boring man or even a dangerous man?
A woman needs the pleasant emotions and safety offered by humorous conversation, and some fun and entertainment offered by the communication of the Hermes Instinct by the man.
She needs still more though, lest a suitor be too much toward buffoonery and blind, unrestrained revelry.
There needs to be a special element mandatory for commencing courtship that comes from somewhere other than just evolutionary psychology. It is from the Jungian principle of the Electra Complex, the daughter enthralled with her loving father in her youth.
Also sometimes referred to as the “female Oedipus,” this early imprinting phenomenon of attachment of a girl to her father can be boiled down to one feature that is certainly present in the Hermes Instinct of males:
Mysteriousness
From the crude nature of yesteryear’s “dating trainings” for men, to the refinement of literary analyses of the story of the mysterious noble, Bluebeard, to today’s marketing principles in selling women’s products and services, it is clear that women are driven to be drawn to mysteries with curiosity, and yet to “label” things (and men) with names and categories that render them safe and of utility.
The odd existence of a store with only empty containers (The Container Store) is one example. The known popularity of murder mysteries (Dateline) among female audiences is another.
Perhaps the dominant attractive feature of the father in her youth was his “mysteriousness” in how he could almost magically solve her problems, make her safe, take care of things so that “everything is alright.” And her curiosity about what it is about him that attracts mother to him and the pleasure of rough and tumble and conversational “play” with him.
“The very existence of mysteriousness in the man, when paired with fun and humour, offers the couple a chance for psychological arousal.”
She wants to know answers, and this spirit persists into adulthood and her romantic life.
When the man draws from the “trickery” aspect of the Hermes Instinct, he is hopefully not pulling from the “dark side” of that, and fooling or using women. Instead, for the courtship to actually progress to good places, this “trickery” of the “dating game” needs to be a light-hearted, beneficent offering to the female in the form of conversational “play.”
This Hermes aspect presents her with riddles to solve about the man. Where is he from? Why is he so funny? What does he do and who does he know? What is his connection to this place we are now?
The very existence of mysteriousness in the man, when paired with fun and humour, offers the couple a chance for psychological arousal.
The mysteriousness carries an inherent “danger” aspect, since there are de facto “unknowns” about the man, built into it. Think of the gaze of James Bond on a woman. What is he thinking? What are his intentions? Why am I attracted to him?
This is the fun, “trickery” aspect of the Hermes.
Yet the humor aspect and the intimacy of Hermes not as a newspaper but as a live, in person “messenger” offers the couple a special intimacy of communication with happy, friendly emotions conveyed.
If you could imagine an evolutionary psychology “spectrum of arousal,” with “danger/survival arousal” on one end, and pleasant, exciting “sexual arousal” on the other end of that spectrum, you might see how perfectly evolved the Hermes Instinct is for men to convey and women to experience.
Survival (danger) and Reproduction (sexual) is the Darwinian principle.
Now apply it to “arousal.”
The Hermetic mystery of a man makes him slightly “dangerous” and therefore “arousing.”
The Hermetic humour of a man makes him rather “safe” fun, happy, and yet with the combined spike of danger arousal, relaxes one into the equally excitable state of sexual arousal.
If this conversational experience is interesting, intriguing, mysterious, fun, entertaining, humorous and safe for the woman, she might just pick him for a first date, and move on to Step Two of human courtship.
Whether you are married or single as you enjoy this year’s Valentine’s Day, it is my hope that you will think of these two principles—the Aphrodite and Hermes Instincts.
You’ll see them operating all around you in the verbal and nonverbal language of lovers, everywhere.
Join us in this ongoing series over the coming twelve months, covering the phases of Sexual, Emotional, and Intellectual Attraction as “three acts of our play,” each with three crucial, repeatable, reliable, measurable, statistically reliable “steps” that correlate with the emerging Evolutionary Psychology research.
I will respond to any questions about this new model through the coming year in the comments below, at romantipedia.substack.com, and at the location of the entire model explained at romantipedia.com.
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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