When domestic violence turns into legal and administrative violence

May 31

Disclaimer: This article has been written by an individual known to the editor but who would like to remain anonymous. [Names of people, places and organisations have been changed to preserve anonymity]. The following account is his personal story.

After receiving a torrent of abusive text messages I returned home early from work, cautiously entered the house, and as usual, my wife was drunk, unstable and abusive. As a male ‘survivor’ of domestic abuse (DA) I had taken the difficult decision to remove myself and the children from the toxic home environment. I knew that after several years and numerous incidents I was left with no choice other than to activate the safeguarding plan.

Prior to the latest incident there had been many incidents involving Social Services, Mental Health Crisis Team practitioners and the Police. At the very start of our relationship the Social Worker identified me as a victim of DA. The Police had reported the abuse too, it was a toxic environment, especially with the fact that two young children were also living in this environment. The Police would remove my wife, and on occasions, due to her behaviour, the Ambulance service would be required to remove her. The pattern would remain constant, removal of my wife, only for her to be later returned to the house. I would be advised to keep her away from the ‘armoury’, the kitchen, and be prepared to lock myself and the children in a safe room.

The Police would make a referral to the local DA organisation, The Breaking Chains Project, who are commissioned to deal with such cases.

“I had chosen to continue to work to try to support my children and be a role model for them. However, this then meant that Legal Aid was not an option for me… Then came the dreaded notification that my wife – the perpetrator - had now been awarded Legal Aid. No longer was I having to battle my wife, I was now battling the system.”

The project had worked with me for the two years prior to me activating the safety plan. My IDVA (Independent Domestic Abuse Advisor) was very professional, advising me to keep an emergency bag at my place of work and ensuring my phone was charged should I need to remove myself from the ‘family’ home. When the time for me and the children came to leave, they visited me at a safe address and provided me assistance throughout the subsequent other house moves, required due to escalations of risk.

Fast forward around four years, I had spent around £100k in legal fees to ensure that the needs of my children were adequately represented in court. It shocked me that given the risk to both me and the children, it was still down to me to fund legal representation. I had chosen to continue to work to try to support my children and be a role model for them. However, this then meant that Legal Aid was not an option for me.

During this time my wife had begun a campaign of harassment against myself or anyone who challenged her distorted view of reality. Our children were living with me following various court hearings. Court was often a troubling time, a flash point, the risk often increased around this time.

I continued to work full time, I was determined not to leave a career of almost two decades. I was continually frustrated by the Legal Aid system, time and again I was declined due to the financial criteria. My IDVA understood my situation and gave me Foodbank vouchers. The whole process had led me and my family to extreme financial hardship.

I was always the respondent in proceedings, and found the whole process extremely stressful. It was draining, emotionally and physically. Proceedings came and went, it often felt like it would never end.

My wife had worked for only six months within an eight-year period. I had no money nor savings; however, she did her best to take my pension. She failed to attend the final hearing and was thankfully awarded nothing.

I had been a ‘High Risk’ case on nine separate occasions over a four-year period, and had suffered high levels of stalking, harassment and threats.

Then came the dreaded notification that my wife – the perpetrator - had now been awarded Legal Aid. No longer was I having to battle my wife, I was now battling the system.

As she would often instigate proceedings, I would have to respond to each one, they would often descend into abandonments, adjournments, counsel walking out on her mid-trial and even her nonattendance. She had now been rewarded with a state-owned cheque book.

The reason she had been awarded Legal Aid, was because the same DA agency, The Breaking Chains Project, that supported me had now provided my abuser with a supporting letter. Surely, I thought, IDVAs would have to carry out comprehensive risk assessments and checks to ensure the validation of putting their names to these letters.

It seems not. The evidence in this case was ‘because she told us she was the victim of domestic abuse’.

Shortly after, I received a text message from my local DA organisation:, ‘I am embarrassed to admit that the Project did provide a general letter of support which was unchecked. I have made the impact to you and the children known. I have been asked to pass on apologies.’

I was pretty upset and frankly lost for words.

‘What can I say? I can’t blame you for being upset. It’s a genuine error if there is such a thing. I’m assured that additional checks have been implemented’.

I was at rock bottom with this news.

“Her frequency of court applications increased. There were changes of solicitors, changes of barristers, adjournments... Every time this happened it cost me more money; more money taken from the children’s future.”

I asked if they intended to notify the Legal Aid Board of their error. They ignored my request; this would have a major impact on me financially and emotionally.

Her frequency of court applications increased. There were changes of solicitors, changes of barristers, adjournments, requests for the judge to recuse themselves, requests for proceedings to be geographically moved and barristers walking out on her mid trial citing that they could no longer represent her due to professional embarrassment. Every time this happened it cost me more money; more money taken from the children’s future. What had started as domestic abuse had now turned into what is called ‘legal and administrative abuse’. My children faced financial hardship, facilitated by a system which was designed to safeguard them.

A professional from another service who was supporting me wrote to the CEO of my local DA organisation: ‘It’s not so much a complaint as more trying to be constructive to ensure nothing like this happens again’.

‘’The actions which the project [local DA organisation] took lead to ‘the perpetrator’ obtaining legal aid support which led her to use state funded repeated litigation as a form of abuse and even included an occasion where her abuse led to the Judge activating the panic alarm in the courtroom. In effect, your letter of support has extended this period of abuse’.

‘He has been told that you do not carry out any kinds of checks on people registering with you to see if they are known to your system. Its potentially this procedure that can lead to you providing support to both victim and abuser - which is what seems to have happened in this case.’

No response was ever received.

Another court hearing approached, a family support planning meeting was held as the risk always seemed to increase around this time

A few days after this meeting I received a call from my IDVA to say that he was no longer able to support myself or my children. The distress which I felt at this point was significant. Never in my life had I felt so abandoned and vulnerable, it was a struggle. In the area of the country which I lived The Breaking Chains Project was the only organisation which held high risk cases. Thankfully another group - the only specialised group in the country - became aware of my case and offered me the support, even though my DA organisation was funded to do so. My relief was huge, and I will be forever thankful to them for stepping in.

At this stage my legal costs had spiralled to £140k. I contacted the local Police and Crimes Commissioner, as the project is funded and commissioned by them. There seemed little interest in my situation.

I was determined that my situation wouldn’t happen to anyone else. The potential outcome could be tragic for vulnerable children to be placed with an abusive parent. My next step was to contact my local MP. I had first contacted him 5 years earlier and he was very aware of my situation. His web page displays visits to local DV agencies, enthusiastically championing their causes , but over the five years of correspondence he was always unable to find time to meet me at his surgeries. He still to this day has never shown any interest in a phone call or a meeting.

“Five years ago, I believed the system would support genuine victims, that it supported ‘at risk’ children. Maybe I was naïve in my thinking.”

However, he did write a letter to my local DA organisation, and in due course received a response from the CEO.

The response was of a highly personal tone, she was attempting to convey an impression of me as someone who manipulates, refuses to engage and has repeatedly tried to obtain information about my ex-partner - all classic abuse traits.

I have found all correspondence between myself and the CEO deeply concerning. Surely a more empathetic tone throughout would have been more appropriate. rather than an attempt at deflection, and to discredit me personally. I didn’t expect a victim support agency to try so hard to portray themselves as the victim.

Five years ago, I believed the system would support genuine victims, that it supported ‘at risk’ children. Maybe I was naïve in my thinking. Today my opinion is that until the foundations of the safeguarding systems are equal, tragic consequences are likely to happen, and children will continue to be put at risk. Mistakes happen, but what is most alarming is the complete lack of interest and desire to learn from them.

Seemingly there are no regulatory independent bodies to govern IDVAs and the practises and processes of DV services. They are marking their own homework.

I feel that our society seems to accept all too easily that a man is a perpetrator and the woman the victim, and that children are automatically better to be with their mother. This is outdated thinking at best. A parent can be good or bad, the parent’s gender should not cloud anybody’s thinking.

Previously, I can admit, that if a woman was claiming legal aid, I would automatically think that their former partner was abusive. Having lived my experience, I now know that this isn’t the case.

Futher information
You can find support in the UK on the following helpline:

ManKind Initiative, Tel 01823 334244, weekdays 10am to 4pm

Families Need Fathers (FNF), Tel 0300 0300 363, weekedays 9am - 10pm Monday - Friday and from 10am - 3pm at weekends

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