8 strategies, learned in prison, for resolving conflict without resorting to combat
Conflict is an inevitable part of life, and it can arise in any situation, whether it be at work, at home, or in social settings. It is tempting to resort to combat as a means of resolving conflict, but often combat is counter productive.
Here are 8 strategies for resolving conflict without resorting to combat that I learned in the pressure cooker of federal prison. They have served me well in my life in the free world as well.
1. Be willing and able to engage in combat
A weak man will be required to engage in combat more often than a strong man. I am referring to emotional, mental, and emotional strength. So often a disagreement dissolves into a physical confrontation because of mental or emotional weakness.
Also, when you are fit and strong and able to tangle, the other party will be less likely to want the combat.
In prison the people that fought the most and caused the most trouble were most often men with low confidence. A large riot ensued on Christmas Eve day 2013 because of a few people who were not strong.
When you deal with conflict, do so from a position of personal strength.
2. Be assertive
Do not:
Avoid conflict
Get aggressive
Become passive aggressive
Instead, assertively communicate your expectations to ensure understanding.
Being assertive allows you to clearly and confidently express your needs, wants, and feelings. When you are assertive, you are able to communicate your position effectively and stand up for yourself in a respectful and non-threatening way.
It's important to understand that assertiveness is not aggression. While assertiveness involves standing up for yourself, aggression involves attacking or intimidating others. Being assertive means being able to express yourself in a clear and respectful way, without being passive or aggressive.
“It is important to remember that conflicts are often about the situation or problem at hand, rather than about the person or people involved.”
3. Quit Taking Things Personally
99.9 % of the time conflict has nothing to do with you.
Not taking things personally will allow you to remain level-headed and in control, giving you a big advantage.
It is important to remember that conflicts are often about the situation or problem at hand, rather than about the person or people involved.
I was once embroiled in a dangerous conflict because I stuck my nose into a situation that didn’t really involve me. I was so angry at what I perceived was a personal slight that I got involved - to my shame and pain! When the truth was revealed I was in the wrong and let my emotions get the best of me.
I learned that day that taking things personally was stupid and caused pain!
4. Recognize different communication styles
Each culture and language has unique communication styles.
Understanding different styles of communication and understanding how to modify your approach will reduce combat.
Recognizing different communication styles can help to resolve conflicts by allowing you to understand and adapt to the communication style of the other party.
When you understand how someone communicates, you are better able to respond in a way that is effective and appropriate.
Often language barriers or cultural differences led to severe misunderstandings. One evening a fellow who spoke only Spanish and a man with no Spanish engaged in mindless combat in a bathroom because they misunderstood the other person's body language. Not only were they both punished, but our bathroom became a place the CO’s (Corrections Officers) spent more time. Not good for the rest of us!
5. Show respect
Even in a conflict you can give and receive respect.
Giving respect to an opponent will go a long way to avoiding combat and allowing more reasonable conflict resolution.
Respectful communication helps to create an atmosphere of mutual understanding and trust, which can lead to a more positive outcome for all parties.
You show respect during a conflict by communicating in a way that is calm, composed, and non-threatening. It also means being able to listen actively and empathize with the other person's perspective.
Additionally, it also means being able to refrain from personal attacks and instead focusing on finding a solution to the problem at hand.
A man who was 20 years older than me and from a very different background became one of my closest friends after a conflict that was resolved in a positive way. I showed respect to him during our disagreement because of his age and positive qualities. It meant a great deal to him and we have continued our friendship long after our incarceration.
“Speak instead in terms of "I". This will help defuse the situation and lead to better resolutions. This helped in prison and also helps with my wife!”
6. Use "I" language instead of "you"
During conflict, especially in prison saying "you" is a sign of aggression and will put each party on high alert.
Speak instead in terms of "I".
This will help defuse the situation and lead to better resolutions.
This helped in prison and also helps with my wife! I have found that when I have disagreements and conflicts with my wife, if I approach her with the direct, “you” do this or that, she is immediately defensive and it starts us off on the wrong foot.
Just this morning I approached her and expressed how I was feeling instead of how she makes me feel. She listened and we had a productive discussion.
7. Stay focused on the issue
As soon as you make the discussion personal, you run the risk of combat.
If you keep the conversation about the issue, you will reduce defensiveness. All conflicts have a personal nature to them, but are normally about an underlying issue.
Work to understand the issue while avoiding personal attacks. Avoid making assumptions and ask questions for clarification.
Staying focused on the issue rather than making it personal has several benefits:
Maintains a respectful and professional demeanor
Prevents escalation of the conflict
Increases the likelihood of finding a mutually agreeable solution
Improves communication and understanding between parties
Builds trust and positive relationships in the long term.
8. Seek understanding, not agreement
Make an effort to understand the other viewpoint.
Share your desire to see the situation from their perspective.
This does not mean that you will agree or even conclude the conflict with friendship. Hatred and frustration may remain, but you can still seek understanding.
Seeking understanding, rather than agreement, is beneficial because:
It helps to build rapport and establish positive relationships
Facilitates effective communication and reduces misunderstandings
Promotes empathy and perspective-taking
Encourages open-mindedness and reduces defensiveness
Increases the likelihood of finding mutually beneficial solutions to conflicts or problems.
To recap. Conflict is a part of life and cannot be avoided. However it does not need to dissolve into combat. Follow these 8 steps to become more effective in avoiding combat while engaging in conflict:
Be willing and able to engage in combat
Be assertive
Quit taking things personally
Recognize different communication styles
Show respect
Use "I" language instead of "you"
Stay focused on the issue
Seek understanding, not agreement
If you can learn to use these eight strategies in your dealings with other people in your life, I hope they will serve you as well as they have served me.
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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, legal advice, or other professional opinion. Never disregard such advice because of this article or anything else you have read from the Centre for Male Psychology. The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of, or are endorsed by, The Centre for Male Psychology, and we cannot be held responsible for these views. Read our full disclaimer here.
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